|Sometime Upside down Rainy Side of the Hill. Hiding From Display, Portraits seen, Torn Down Do Not
||[05 Jun 2007|05:10pm]
I havent posted anything for sometime, yet i had time to look through out the internet at the community i was once part in, the San Antonio community, alot of thoughts and memories went through my head, and feelings too, its intense life changes, some for good some for bad ,and ive noticed that, it just seems that back then it was more innocent and then today its not.
Ive been through so much since the last life altering experience 2 years ago its not funny, it seems i havent grown up but broken down, i feel more immature then i was, i think its all the hurt and pain that makes my feelings weak and sometimes i feel like a kid, act like a kid, cry like a kid and say things like a kid, i wouldnt mind yet i think it bothers the person im with... i just want to be myself, if im sad i want to be sad, if im excited i want to be excited, if im energetic i want to be energetic, if im amped up i want to be amped up. Its seems i cant be, and that makes me feel bad. My partner seems to be emotionless and doest like when i show emotion or something i really do think we are not meant for eachother.. she has shown many things and acted in many ways that makes feel this way...
Ive traveled the united states for the past months.. ive traveled with someone who is weak, traveling around the country and squatting the land isnt for the weak they break, and though these travels should have been fun exciting adventurous and productive both physically nad mentally they havent been, it has been the exact opposite due to my travel partner. One more Fuck up i swear One more fuck up im leaving this person, for ive invested money time and strength and energy, freedoms, i feel it has been put for nothing ,for i feel i wasted all that.
I think after this im not dealing with any social interaction, except the ones im mandated for, you know... i dont care for friends, or girlfriends, or crushes or flirtatiosnous. Ive tried and you know what, the work im interested in has been used against me. That has hurt me and has hurt the most important work that needs to be done, maybe within the work i do i will find that strong partner that will accept and appreciate, support and be an active partner and contributor to the work... maybe some of you know what work i speak of.
I am currently squating omaha nebraska, and council bluffs iowa, they are right next to each other seperated by the missouri river, to get to one side its a train track bridge, or i can just catch one train(union pacific) to either side. These towns are ultra conservative religous its very scary, cause these people are so close minded it makes them ugly dumb people. Im surprised by this, for ive never been in or around people that are that awful and ugly in there thinking.
I have gotten in seriuos trouble due to the fact that i am here. I feel anywhere else i would not have gotten in such serious trouble but here, i feel they are going to hang me. I can not walk the streets with out fear, and i fear to find and work employment. Why? is a question that may be ask on why im still here, well my partner has fallen in to debt and has to stop and work to recover from that... i so want to leave this place and that fear i have, i do think that its alot worse then i think it is, and i think its really bad...
I dont want to be stuck here. Im stuck here cause of my partner, my partner that treats me like shit, and has done the most fucked up things anyone has every done to me. Makes me feel like shit everyday. I think she likes that.
So im here hiding out in this space that has been provided to us by some genourous american folk, ex airforce husband and housewife, husband speaks casually of vegetarianism and his airforce career and housewife speaks of her children and the children she takes care of at the day care shes employed at. Thier children speak of poodles and birdys and butterflies and owls and rock & roll music we play every once and while. The little girl sings and tells me to play the little toy drum set they have so she can sing along and the little boy asks me to show him tricks on his skatboard and to show him beats on his toy drum set. and asks when can i take him to the skatepark.
The first few nights slept in iowa on golf course that where in front of that harrays casino the next day rode the train into omaha, watching wild turkeys and deer dash across the track back and fourth and away into thick brush, rode right past omahas factory center of old and abandoned factory houses past an abandoned rundown train station of the year 1916, jumped off and slept atop the train depot roof where the sunset hit to warm tha dew dretched clothing of coldness body, crisp everything seemed, walked out into the open of the city to here nothing but quitness, for downtown omaha on a weekend is dead and quite. Its been very exciting especially the night it was raining and i had to out run and out smart those who search for me. I had no idea this city its layout, i do now though. Yet i was able to completly out smart and get away from those who search for me. And everyday i find a away to go around and get to where im going, its exciting but that fear is what i do not like. And one day you know it may happen, be found. Those darn cops
Excuse me im going to sit down to a bowl of pork an beans, salted saltines, lemon lime cool aid, and a red white and blue bomb pop. America.